After receiving a spate of spam and questionable emails, I’ve been thinking. What if real life interactions were more like these messages? The more I thought about it, the more I question why people ever bother to reply to spam or get snookered into opening an unknown attachment and infecting their computer with malware.

You’re in the lobby of a downtown hotel. It’s busy. A gentlemen in fancy foreign clothes approaches you.

With a thick accent he says, “I am Mr. M’gato Oooobanga, attorney for the late warlord Toobo Mgtrsy’a. The warlord has listed you in his estate and would like to transfer 20 zillion bokolotos into your bank account. What is your account number and your mother’s maiden name?”

Seriously! Would you fall for it?

Then you’re out at Sears shopping for another pair of cheap pants. An Englishman approaches. “Cheerio! You’ve just won the European Lottery to the tune of 20 million pounds! I’d like to transfer this money to your account, but need a quick $300 from you right now to pay the foreign tax.” And he holds out his hand.

You’d probably wonder immediately, “How can I win such a lottery when I’ve never played?” But you don’t ask that question because the whole situation stinks like a setup.

Next you’re walking down a blighted street. A woman you know stands in front of a boarded-up store. In a robotic voice, she says, “Hello! Come into this building. Oprah says it really works!”

“Are you on crack?” you ask, but your friend just stares into the distance, glossy-eyed. You snap your fingers in front of her face and she doesn’t blink. No way are you going into that building!

Elsewhere in town, an attractive young lady approaches you. “Ɖ o  ȳ ø u  w à ņ t  C ĩ å l i š,” she asks. Only she doesn’t say, “Do you want Cialis?” Instead she pronounces properly all those foreign characters. Or maybe she just utters their Unicode values due to all the extra spaces between the letters.

Are you actually going to purchase pharmaceuticals from such a person?

Next you round the corner and there’s your bank, only it’s not really your bank. The bank’s signage hangs on the building and the colors match. When you get closer, you see that it’s just a false front and another building is obviously hiding behind the façade.

A frantic person approaches you from the building. “There’s been a security breach! Unless you verify your account right now, you’ll lose all your money! Tell me your account number, mother’s maiden name, and your social security number!”

Sure, some people fall for it. In fact, lots of people do all the time on the Internet. But in real life, I doubt the techniques would work. In fact, they’d be damn silly.