KoKo’s Little List Song

One of the benefits of being KoKo in The Mikado is that you're given the honor of rewriting the Little List Song, making it up-to-date with references to "individuals whose loss would be a distinct gain to society at large." Or, as they say in the South, "Folks who just need killin'."

Here is my Little List Song from our recent production of The Mikado. I cannot claim credit for all of it, as I did steal some of the things from other Mikado productions. But most of it is mine. Footnotes to explain local, specific things follow:

KoKo

As some day it may happen that a victim must be found,
I've got a little list — I've got a little list
Of society offenders who might well be underground,
And who never would be missed — who never would be missed!

There's the pestilential nuisances who write for autographs
All people who have flabby hands and irritating laughs

And skinny folks who exercise and tell you that you're fat—
And women with humongous boobs when one time they were flat

And lawyers lawyers everywhere I really must insist—
They'd none of 'em be missed—they'd none of 'em be missed!

Chorus

He's got 'em on the list—he's got 'em on the list;
And they'll none of 'em be missed—they'll none of 'em be miss'd!

KoKo

There's the idiot who signals a left turn for twenty miles,
And when passing shakes his fist—I've got him on the list!
And the Pentium computer that reformats all your files,
It never would be miss'd—It never would be miss'd!

Then the talking head who praises, with enthusiastic tone,
All centuries but this, and every country but his own;

And the lady once from Little Rock, who to New York she went,
I’d put her on the list for fear she’d soon be president;

And that maddening anomaly, the Berkeley activist—
I don't think she'd be missed—I'm sure she'd not be missed!

Chorus

He's got her on the list—he's got her on the list;
And he don't think she'll be missed—he's sure she won't be miss'd!

KoKo

Those actors who are touted for their leftist-leaning views,
That Geraldo journalist—I've got him on the list!
Bare-buff juvenile singers who are headlined on the news,
The Telemarketist—they'd none of 'em be missed.

And department store or retail clerks who don’t know how to add,
Women screaming at young children in the grocery store; how sad.

There're the fools up there in Congress who are always raising taxes
It’s for aloof old Senators us headsmen keep our axes.

But it really doesn't matter whom you put upon the list,
For they'd none of 'em be missed—they'd none of 'em be missed!

Chorus

You may put 'em on the list—you may put 'em on the list;
And they'll none of 'em be missed—they'll none of 'em be missed!

[Encore]

KoKo

There's the fast food place on Ironwood that’s anything but fast,
And chatty hair stylists—I've got them on the list!
And the lawmakers in Boise who don’t think this term’s their last,
They never would be miss'd—They never would be miss'd!

The friskers at the airport pat you down, "remove your shoe!"
Yet some Arab in a turban with a rifle walks on through?

And people who can’t park their cars or drive slow in the snow
While chatting on their cell phones, donning make-up as they go

The entire board of Enron can be put upon the list,
For they'd none of 'em be missed—they'd none of 'em be missed!

Chorus

You may put 'em on the list—you may put 'em on the list;
And they'll none of 'em be missed—they'll none of 'em be missed!

Notes

Despite rumors to the contrary, I do not mention Hillary Clinton in this list. So there!

The "fast food place on Ironwood" is a Jack-in-the-Box restaurant. (Ironwood is a street.) Jacks is the only place open to us after rehearsal and it is dreadfully slow. They typically take 15 minutes per car, working only on the order for the first car in line at a time. Horrid.

"the lawmakers in Boise" Recently Idaho became the only state in the union where the Legislature unanimously overturned the thrice-passed term limit laws. When the laws passed state Supreme Court muster, the 98-percent Republican Legislature spent six harried weeks overturning it. The voters in this state are not taking it lightly.

Sandy originally wanted me not to say "Arab" in the encore. But, dammit, all the 9/11 hijackers were Arabs! And they all seemed to "walk on through" despite being asked the Two Questions and frisked by the now-federalized-and-no-longer-Sackable-occasionally-high-school-drop-outs-non-English-speaking-foriengers who frisk us at the airport.